According to Birmingham Mail, JD Wetherspoon has 40 pubs across the West Midlands. Not one of those is located in the very obvious place to put one; UoB’s student area. The demand for it is probably wild. I know everyone I’ve spoken to wants one, even the non-alcoholics. I’m bored of buying my £4.99 bottle of Rosé every time I go out. I want to pre at spoons with a Sex On the Beach pitcher and 3 for £5 Tequila rose shots.
Let me do some quick maths. The University of Birmingham opened in 1900. The first Wetherspoons pub opened in 1979, in north London. As you already know, the company grew like a huge zit on my nose and there are now over 930 spoons across the U.K. I’m not saying there should have been a spoons in Selly straight after its birth in 1979, but it must have been well and truly popular by the 2000s. There are plenty of abandoned or unused ugly ass buildings in Smelly Oak, so why, after I put UoB as my first choice uni on my UCAS application, did no one think, oh, now is probably a good time to get planning permission for a spoons!
Clearly no one considered my needs at university, but that’s ok. I’m prepared to fund it myself with my student loan, forcing the government to basically pay for a spoons to be set up.
Admittedly, if I’d seen that there was a spoons in my first few weeks of uni, I probably wouldn’t have jumped for joy as much as I would now. I hated going out and drinking. The drinking culture at university seemed very overwhelming. With the majority of my 12 (I know!!) other flatmates staying out till 4am on every wild student night, whilst I’m tucked up in bed by 1:30, I felt like a bit of an outcast. A weirdo. Why couldn’t I enjoy this very normal activity? Staying at a club past 2am felt like an achievement for me. I’m a shy wanker, meaning I put up an emotional barrier and didn’t let myself come out of my shell until second semester. It was only then that I realised my flatmates were actually the most amazing people I have ever met and would soon become my second family. Once I let them get to know me properly, Vodbull on a Thursday night was the event I looked forward to every week.
Now, staying out until the club closes is a breeze. Crawling out of the uber to shove some garlic bread in the oven turns me on. And our pres, OHH our pres are so much better than yours, don’t even bother arguing with me. Beginning with ring of fire, pretty standard, and then ending with one of us vomming in a toilet is my recipe for the perfect night. I’ve had a recent realisation – if you pre with left over Prosecco from a spoons sesh the night before, shot fireball 6 times, chase it with a mojito, then steal some of your housemates pink gin, your puke will be a fiery orange colour and it’s amazing. Have two veggie sausage rolls for dinner beforehand for the perfect texture.
What would make our pres even better though? A Wetherspoons!! Starting at spoons in Selly Oak at 9 for a few pints and a cocktail, then heading home at about 10:30 before it gets expensive, whip the speaker out (you need the tunes to get you in the clubbing mood), then going out before 1am, would be a premium night out. No one has the time to get the train to the city centre just for spoons. We need a local.
If you got this far, I’d like to thank you for hearing me out. If you feel as passionately as I do, please hit up my man Martin (founder of JD Wetherspoon), and politely request an additional spoons for our lovely humble abode that is Selly Oak. I imagine he is a multi-millionaire by now, so the few £100ks to get it built will be no biggy for him.