I have so far refused to add to the already mad amount of material in the world, concerning the coro*******. But, seeing as my Draft Blogs section is empty, and my ideas are running dry, here I am. With only brief mentions of the worldwide situation in my previous blogs, I’m now doing what I told myself I would never do: writing a whole blog centred around the coronavirus. There you go, I said it. I said the C word. What a cunt of a word: a lexical item that I’ve probably either heard or read every damn day since that poor bat was consumed, via soup.
As you’ll already know, on Google, a cunt is defined as ‘a woman’s genitals’, and the word is classed as ‘vulgar slang’. The alternative meaning: an unpleasant or stupid person. What Google is now failing to include is the other alternative meaning: the fact that the virus is more of a cunt than the word cunt itself. It’s more of a cunt to me than my dear friend Donald Trump is, but a rant about my love (pure hatred) for Mr Trump will require a whole blog for that.
And here is why the C word is such a C word…Over the past few days, I’ve put together a list of sentences or thoughts that I thought would never, ever exit my mouth, but have anyway, due to the lock down:
- I’m so bored of having a lie in every morning.
- Mum, shall we go for a bike ride?
- I wish my marathon wasn’t cancelled.
- I miss uni.
- Let’s do a 2,000 piece puzzle! (Worst decision ever)
- I want to get sneezed on.
- I can’t wait to go to a shitty club again, surrounded by scatty, horny 18-year-olds, sipping on a weak vodka and lemonade, mingling with everyone’s germs, getting my hair wet with someone’s spilt VK, having a false eyelash half hanging off me, with a possible nip slip, to then end the night with my head in a toilet, puking up my dinner and embracing yet another beautiful array of bacteria.
- I want to be touched by someone other than a family member.
- I miss waking up at precisely 8:10 am, just to then turn off my alarm and decide not to go to my 9am, and feel guilty about it for the rest of the day.
- What month is it again?
I still haven’t worked out the answer to that last one.
Although the fact that me, a hygiene freak, has just expressed her need ‘to be sneezed on’, is slightly concerning, I’m lucky to be able to say I’ve remained quite calm about the you-know-what. Rather than cry about the fact that I’m not gonna get a shag for a while, unless I commit incest (not my thing), I’m focusing on the positives:
- My marathon has been postponed, giving me more much needed time to train.
- I’m getting paid to do shitty shifts that I’m not even turning up to.
- My daily streak on Duolingo is at an all time high.
- All my family and friends are safe, healthy and Gucci.
- I’m learning new things, like the fact that I think I have an extra sweat gland in my left armpit (it always smells worse than the right one)
- My uni exams have been cancelled, meaning I’ll be spending one less summer term in tears about the anatomy of the mouth and throat.
- I got an extension for one of my assignments – that’s one less all-nighter I’ve had to pull in life.
- My growing insanity from being stuck inside has finally forced me to book a skydive and a bungee jump – I’m one step closer to ticking off 2 bucket list things (£318 later…)
- Ironically, despite the term ‘self-isolation’, I’ve felt more connected to my family and friends than ever before, FaceTiming people that I’d never bothered with until now, and reaching out to friends I haven’t spoken to in a while.
- And finally, it’s given me an extra blog post opportunity (this one)…with quality photoshopped content to laugh at (creds to my *actual* dear friend, Angella xxx).