Aside from it being not the most ideal word to spell, hygiene to me is one of the sexiest motherfuckers in town. It turns me on like the sex scenes in Normal People (BBC). And what better time than in a worldwide pandemic to rave about hygiene?
Allow me to list just some (and only some otherwise we’ll be here a while) of my worst nightmares:
- Putting your headphones in your ears and then touching them. Sweating with headphones in. Sharing headphones. Anything to do with headphones.
- Bodily fluids everywhere after some sexy time
- Walking across a kitchen floor covered in crumbs and dinner spillage (I never walk anywhere without socks)
- Putting a handbag/school bag/brief case/whatever bag on my bed – you have put that bag down in public toilet cubicles, on the floor, on other tables where people have spilt piss, poo, blood, cum, tears, sweat and possibly a bit of HIV.
- Fresh washing or my towel being dropped or chucked on the floor
- Any visible markings or imperfections on my cutlery or anything that touches my food to be honest
- Sitting on the toilet seat in public – I just squat. Never EVER trust that a public toilet is clean, because it isn’t.
- Fanny sweat – do I need to explain myself here?
- Eating fruit or veg without rinsing them first
To many of you, these hatreds of mine will seem quite normal to you. Good! We can be friends. But I’ve been surprised by the amount of people who also don’t care or aren’t aware of how gross these things are.
The other day I read on Facebook that your phone has more germs on it than a toilet seat. People were commenting, completely shocked like ‘ew!’ and ‘OMG’, as if this wasn’t common knowledge? How that isn’t obvious to work out for yourself is beyond me? We all sit on the toilet playing candy crush, have a wank and then pick up our phone, touch anything dirty and pick up our phone. Duh? I’m always wiping down my phone.
And then came all the demonstration videos on social media about how to wash your hands properly, to fight covid. These weren’t made for kids. These were for ADULTS. There are adults out there who can explain to me what ‘imaginary numbers’ are in maths, but can’t understand the importance of washing their grim hands. Wild.
A lot of people tell me I’m a germaphobe, and sometimes I find myself agreeing. But I’m here to say a big F*CK YOU to anyone who thinks my habits are a bit abnormal. Me and my bestie Hygiene are living our best lives. Let’s see who lives the longest, and then try tell me I’m being ridiculous xxx