Now that we’re all back in the university life, let’s talk student houses. Or more specifically, mine. Our charming landlord has so far:
- Provided 2 kitchen chairs, despite this being a 6 person house
- Painted the corridor walls…also, part of the floor where he spilt the paint
- ‘Fixed’ our washing machine by turning it off and on
- Had our house ready, as in, slightly loveable, 2 months after the start of our tenancy
- ‘Forgot’ that on our move-in date, we’d need the very obvious feature of a house called house keys
- Assumed dirty mattresses, some broken desks and missing wardrobes would be satisfactory
- Not touched the garden since 800 BC
- Also not touched the roof, which has since collected: a scooter, a plate with cutlery, some beer bottles and random pieces of furnished wood. This was the view from my room until I decided to climb the roof and remove this crap
- Stepped over mouse poo, rather than clean it up for our arrival
- Left one of the showers to leak and screech like a baby, waking me up in the middle of the night, and building an impressive mountain of mould
I could go on, but our lovely landlord Matt does not deserve that much of my time. And unfortunately, Matt is displaying very standard student landlord behaviour. Hence, this blog. Unless you have a sugar daddy (send me his contact details?), you or your student friends have probably experienced or are currently experiencing something very similar.
So here it is…my 5 tips on how to pretend you are in fact in a luxury mansion; your home…rather than a sh*te, rat-infested student house. And I’m not talking about the basic stuff here. You’ll find advice like ‘bring pictures of people you love to plaster all over your wall’ from thousands of university YouTubers. I take pride in claiming I am not one of them.
1) Add some colour to your room
All university rooms, whether it’s student accommodation, or a random student landlord’s place, are bland. White walls, gross-coloured carpet, and probably a stained white desk. Not once in my three years of university have I heard of a neon pink wall, with cute flowery patterns, or a Mickey Mouse themed desk. That would be weird. So you need some life in your room. Some colour.
Since your duvet is gonna take up a fair amount of space in your room, I’d say that’s a good place to start. I feel like most of my female friends at uni have the classic, basic b*tch white duvet, with maybe one silvery line going across it. Boring. My Debenhams duvet set, a birthday present from my lovely grandma, is an autumnal orange colour, covered in several different patterns. It emits wholesome home-y vibes, transforming my spider-web decorated room into a ‘a-really-cool-woman-inhabits-here’ kind of room.
Because I’m extra, I didn’t stop there with the colour. Above my bed, hangs a poster of an artists drawing of an elephant. Coming out of its trunk are hundreds of little paint splodges, of all the colours you can think of. It’s really cute.
2) Add some character to your room
At times when your three assignments are creeping up on you a bit faster than you would like, your Oreo stash has run out, and your housemate still hasn’t taken the bins out, you need something in your room that reminds you of who the f*ck you are. For me, this is a mug that’s so huge it’s actually not possible to use it for a cuppa. So instead, it sits on my desk, and on it, in capital letters, it says, Queen of F*cking Everything.
3) Add some nice smells to your room
Get your ass to Aldi for a peng candle or reed diffuser. Smells are important. You need to hide the smell of dust, and student tears, and all the sweaty sex that your poor mattress has experienced in its life. It won’t feel like home if it doesn’t smell like home. Also…I have a gerbil sh*tting 24/7, so that smell is not welcome.
4) Add some (legal) knowledge to your room
By this, I do not mean stick fact-filled post-it notes across your wall. Even if you’re a law student. That’s not the vibe we’re quite going for. By this, I mean put some knowledge in your head. Know your rights as a tenant. There’s the Housing Act and all that legal stuff, but honestly, I feel like the best source to go to for help is your mum, or your uncle…an adult that’s older than you and therefore likely to have been in a similar situation before. So when your landlord tries to do something a bit sh*tty, you can let him know who’s boss. I’m not saying start a swearing contest with them – don’t lower yourself to their standards. You gotta keep your cool, but of course, a bit of sass is allowed.